my words to him:
am i not pretty enough?? is my heart too broken?am too outspoken?dont i make you laugh? should i try it harder? why do you see right through me?




love. it is of the simplest things..as he brushes past me everyday i feel like an angel has just given me my wish. i call him names jokingly just to fake that i dont like him everyday as i see him play games and shoot hoops i wonder if he thinks about me as much as i think about him...hoping this is true,i wait..

being so patient i play games with him all the time..still waiting for the simplest of a sign...he will never know the deepness of my love for him..talkin to him as a ''enemy'' kills me..i just wish in my heart that some day he will love me and things will work out...as i tell my freinds i dont like him that much anymore..i hate myself for lying..because deeply..i never love him less..i feel as though if he were to die..the pain itself would kill me...and he would never find out..

i sit here now..thinking about him..and what he means to me...knowing that everyday is a lie..that everyday is getting closer to our deaths and time is ticking..i have to tell him..but wait..what if he likes someone elce? then what will i do...him saying he doesnt like me that way would kill me anyway..but at least this way he found out...i dont think he will ever like me that way...but some things are worth waiting the right time for...as everyone is talking about ''wanting to find their soulmates'' i am silent..as i know i have already found mine...i watch everyone with boyfreinds still waiting patiently..staying available just in case he decides to tell me how he feels about me...

(the day i asked him out)
just recently i have found out how he feels..in a very very painful way...he doesnt like me..and i dont think he was lying..for i would trust him with my life...and now..i spend my time wishing that i was someone elce..that he would like...i just wish i knew who he did like..slowly..i am dying..my heart is breaking so much that soon..it will be dust...and i see him all the time..wondering...still hoping...listeng to songs over and over again..only because they touch me..and i feel the way they are..one is ''am i not pretty enough'' and it truly how i feel..and i wish he didnt see right through me...i wish he loved me as i do him..love isnt simple anymore

(june 8, 06)
....i had one chance..and i chickened out...im so stupid..I HATE MYSELF!!..what am i doing wrong? why doesnt he like me? i try..SO hard..i find out what he likes..i like the same things! but he still doesnt like me...WHY NOT???!?!?!?!...i see him everyday now...it just kills me..i cant stand playig basketball anymore...just seeing him here kills me...i swear i would give him my life...even though im unsure about him protecting it...i wouldnt mind if i killed myself right now..it kills me anyway...i feel ill never love again...if he TRULY hates me..i dont know what ill do...he already broke my heart once..i dont think it CAN be broken again...but he cant hate me..can he? if so..why?...is it because ive PRETENDED to hate him for so long?...we are so much alike..but..theres ALWAYS gonna be one difference..(at least until the day..well..if it ever comes that he likes me) i like him..he doesnt like me...why is this so? i went back to doing my old habits today..for instance..walking around the big toy on the wood...its something i ALWAYS used to do at recess...because ive always loved him...at first i denied it..because i knew he didnt like me...ever since first grade..i have loved him...i just wish he would give me a chance...when i moved..i cryed so much..knowing i wouldnt be able to see him anymore...thats when it began...thats the reason i am the way i am..so..rough on people...almost un-loveable..i intended to keep it that way..i have...i tryed so hard to make sure i liked no one and no one liked me...it didnt work..other people liked me..i didnt care..i was still thinking about the day i would see his face again..how different he looked..if he did look different...he looks the same..only taller...i remember the first day of kindergarden..and the first day of fifth grade..the joy i got out of telling him i was back...i will never forget it...he of course..didnt look that happy..he looked surprised...one day..ill show this to him..and when i do..ill be silent the entire time..i just know i will..silently hoping this changes his mind about me...love will never be simple again....

(June 12, 2006)
i AM SO MAD AT MYSELF right now...i had the perfect chance AGAIN to show him this..but..no..i DIDNT sign up 4 patrol..and he did..so now im skrewed!!!!! i have pretty much no chance to tell him now..unless..i get up the courage to do it myself...wich i dont have!!! i swear i would dive under a falling pole..or house..or something..just to save him...and if i died..at least it would b with the memory that i saved him..and he didnt die...but i did..its a sacrafice i will always be willing to make...meeting him was fate..becoming his freind was a choice..but fallin in love wit him..i had NO control over...i love him more than air~

(june 13,2006)
..today..i read ''the six signs your falling in love'' and they are all true...i do look at his name first when i get online..and i do hope its him calling when the phone rings...and hes the one that makes my heart skip a beat when i hear his name..and its his smiling face that comes to my mind when i love song comes on..and i AM always thinking about him..wondering if hes thinking about me...i him more than air~

(june 14,2006)
i showed it to him..and he broke my heart..well..kinda..he said ''i dont know'' and now he makes me unsure...im handing him the key to my heart..and he has rejected it once..and..im waiting for a ''yes'' or ''no''..hopin..wishing..praying..that he will say yes...sometimes..its nice to dream..and sometimes...im almost in tears...even at school..because..sometimes i think he will never love me...and that kills me inside...im still waiting..just waiting...


(july 4,2006)
now i REALLY know what i did wrong. i was to serious around him. i was never MYSELF. ive ruined everything for myself. way to go Katelyn.

July 10,2006
I hate love. it bites. there is no way he will ever love me. i have liked him for SO LONG, but i dont think that matters. i would give almost anything just to be able to read his mind for a week. or even a day. theres nothing i can do to change his mind. all i can do is wait. day after day, week after week, month after month, well..you get the point. he wont ever love me and i guess ill have to face it sooner or later. the sooner the better. but its so hard to. why does everything have to always be hard? a very brave and smart woman once told me "everyday there is a new mountain we have to overcome" and those words. are very true. you always have to climb the mountains of life. but this mountain,has been going on ver sice the first day of kindergarden. it will probably never end. but i know once i get to the top, i'll either come out happy or i wont. i cant control what happens. but i can help it along. i guess, if i dont come out happy, then ill just have to move along~~ ♥ Katelyn Cherry

June 19, 2006
i messed up my life. i was never myself and now i cant stop crying! and im a fool for even thinking he could ever like me..i got caught up in his smile, and i forgot he DOESNT like me..and i couldnt stop smiling from just..just a dumb complient on my shooting. and i couldnt stay away from the basketball court.and the whole time, i was not being myself around him. when i was around him..i became a bodyguard..and not a girl..someone even I hated.and i was always so serious and competetive because thats the way i have ALWAYS been around him.i spent so long telling myself i hated him. but i guess i was living a lie. and ive finally realized it. and now everything's come crashing down on me. and i realize just how terrible love can be...